It suddenly struck me in my head.
I was walking down the street, heading back home. I couldn't help myself from wondering into lands of thoughts while walking down the street at night. It was then 9:47p.m.
I was heading home all right, however, it is not the exact home I wish to be. I was just heading to the place where I could lie down, and have my eyes shut and call it a day. It is just a shelter for me to have my rest and my sleep. My actual location is pretty far away from my true home, in fact, it's ocean-apart. The piece of land where I am standing now and where my real home are separated by South China Sea. It isn't that far if you refer to the World map, even if you refer to Malaysian Map, it is still not that far. But, it is far enough for me.
It's been six years since I board the plane, which brought me to Subang Airport in KL end of April 2000. Six long years I have been away from home. I have spent five of the six years in the historical city of Malacca. Although I occasionally go back for holiday, it was not enough to prevent the fact that I am more of a stranger in my homeland. The longer I stay away from home, the more I feel I am a stranger to the place. Whenever I was out back home, I don't get to see things which I am familiar with, they're constantly changing. I don't get the sense of familiarity from the people around me. Friends who I used to spend time with during my younger days, are either abroad studying or working, or getting busy with their own lives, working or settling down with their own families, kids and spouses. It wouldn't be surprise if I feel that I am out of place each time I return to my homeland.
Few months ago, I have decided that I may just take this chance, to expose myself to the life in a harsh place, fast-paced environment in the nation's capital. I thought I could utilized this opportunity to observe and learn something which couldn't be found back home. My priority wasn't to find pots of gold here, neither was my true intention. The pot of gold I am searching at this point is nothing of monetary form. It is the knowledge which I am looking for, the knowledge I hope to gain, enough for me to bring back home to start developing the land I was born in. Pretty ambitious goal, I know, and it could be naive too. But, without goal and vision, what makes of us? Where will we be if we have no directions to head to? Won't we be drifting around aimlessly, looking lost?
With that personal goal I set for myself, I strive for survival aiming to achieve that goal in 2-3 years time. I may not get the chance in my first strike. Fair enough, the world isn't perfect. I was determined to standby my decision and reasons to stay in the peninsular.
That determination took a hit. It was sort of a wake-up call. I was on phone with my parents while I was in the LRT Train (LRT: Light Rail Transit). My dad celebrated his Lunar 51st Birthday today. 51st birthday is one of the most meaningful moment according to chinese tradition, yet, I missed it. I was not there for him. After the phone conversation ended, I wandered into thoughts. Few days ago, I read this entry in my friend's blog, where he faced death for the first time in his life. He lost someone close in his life. That added some note to my thought as well.
One of the greatest fear for us, as human, is to lose something. Fears stake up more, if one loses something irreplacable, something that even Roman Abramovich cannot buy with his millions. There is a saying that money isn't everything. This is very true to certain extent. It is important to gain wealth, however, there are really something which has higher value than wealth. I have lost 5-6 years of time with my family, and I am going to lose more of those time when I decided to stay here for an extension of at least a year or two. Those time I have lost, I could never replace it even i become a millionaire one day. I could never buy the time when my nieces were born, when my nieces grew up, how my nieces grow from a cute cuddling baby to a grown up girl, when my parents celebrated their birthday, when my grandma celebrates her golden age, and the list grows on and on...
I had missed most of the moments I could not possibly turn it back now. And, we know that there might be a possibility that some of the events, may not occur anymore. How long can an individual live in this modern day? 70-80 years? A century is an unlikely mark to achieve now. My parents are at the half-century mark now. They have lost their time with their only son for 5-6 years, and most likely they'll have to endure that a little longer. I suddenly feel sorry for that.
How much value does money has? Is money really that powerful? I guess not, it is important, but not that important yet. I love my parents. I will make sure my adventure to this land will end after a year or two. I will not make them going through days, where they return to and empty home. They have endured a tough time already, spending years worrying and supporting me. It had been tough for them. I want to repay the time lost to my parents and my family.
Just a little longer.. I shall be back.. I am sorry..
Cherish love, cherish time, cherish your love ones..
Most of the time, things don't last forever... Cheish while you are still at it...
*Updated: The world is not just about me and myself only. I still have people whom I love, people whom I care, and someone whom I like.. I will not miss out on any chance and moment with them. At least I will try not to... I don't wanna miss a thing.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
It suddenly struck me in my head.